Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
