He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
