I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
