i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
