i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
