I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
