Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
What drink are we having for lunch?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
