i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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