I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
