Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm gonna have a badass scar
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
