The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize