The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
