I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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