all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
