I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
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when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
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He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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