remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
