I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
