Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
