I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
