I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
tell me about the eggs
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