i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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