big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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