My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
