I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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