i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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