so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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