He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
