i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
this hospital has no fireball
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
