Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
