my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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