My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
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Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize