how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
