My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
