He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
