I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
