So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
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You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
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You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize