I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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