What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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