I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
