Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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