can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
