I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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