Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
