having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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