dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
