I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
