By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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