Are we in a gay sports bar?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
