I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
