when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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