My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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