dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i've created a new STD.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
