they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
