I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
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