It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
