If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
