I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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