even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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