I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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